Friday, August 10, 2007

Present Finances and Future Self

Today is pay day.
I did something a little scary. As part of my renewed effort to pay down debt, I took more than 40% of today's paycheck and used it to make a credit card payment. I should still have enough to buy groceries and pay other bills until the next paycheck.

"To Posterity!" That was always the opening line of PG's journal entries in high school. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was my first official fag hag. She had a crush on our school's choir director, a skinny man with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. I did too, but I didn't confess that to her until after we had gotten out of high school, when I came out to her.

That was 1985. Who I Was, Who I Am, Who I'm Going to Be.
I often try to comfort my past self, the scared and insecure young man that I used to be. I feel relief and happiness that I've gotten over a lot of that former insecurity.
It's harder to reverse the process and reach out to my future self, so that he can comfort me now.
Although the image of my future self is vague and fuzzy, I am comforted by focusing on that image.
I continue to be optimistic.


Prince Gomolvilas said...

"she was my first official fag hag"

...Without you, she would be just a hag.

Peter Varvel said...

She did marry a straight guy, another fellow band geek from high school. But then they divorced.
Maybe she is just a hag.