One night The Boy went to visit the Older Man because he wanted to stay friends with him. Unexpectedly, the Older Man told The Boy about his new boyfriend. The new boyfriend was young, tall, and muscular.
The Boy was envious of the Older Man's new boyfriend. He was angry at himself for feeling envious. When The Boy hugged the Older Man goodbye the Older Man held The Boy for a few minutes, like he did when they were still going out the year before. The Boy felt that the Older Man still wanted to go out with him, in case things did not work out with his new boyfriend.
The Boy still wanted to go out with the Older Man, too. He would have waited an eternity for the Older Man. But he knew that if he went out with the Older Man again, it would not be long before he would have to stop the relationship because God did not like it.
The Boy felt trapped in a vicious circle. If he went out with boys he felt he should go out with girls, instead. If he went out with girls he felt he should be by himself. If he was by himself he got lonely for boys. The grass was always greener in the other yard.
The Boy truly felt he was stuck in the middle: If he went out with boys he could not stay with God; if he tried to stay with God he felt he was being untrue to his natural, unchosen feelings.
After much torment, tears, loneliness, frustration, guilt, and disappointment he decided that there was no solution to his life's problem.
So he ended his life.
20 comments:
I'm assuming this is autobiographical, so please don't hang yourself. We would miss you.
WHAT?!
I was totally expecting this to end up in a threesome.
(Yes, Mike, I said, "Threesome." Stop shuddering.)
...........Okay dude. Wow, did not see that coming. Wow.
Also I'm waiting for Kev, our resident delusional homophobe to comment on this one so that I can have a field day talking smack to him.
C'mon Kev...you know you want too.......
I think the illustration packed the biggest punch of all. I hope a few happy endings have happened since 1987.
Peter, you've made me cry... seeing your handwriting and the drawing like this. I love you.
Oh, no! I didn't see this coming at all. How old were you when you wrote it?
Suicide is never the right answer. Not because it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Not because it's a sin. But because the world will keep going, with or without you, and you might miss something important.
In short, I'm so glad this is twenty years old and you're still here. There would be such a hole in my life now (assuming this was, indeed, autobiographical and not speculative fiction) if you weren't in it, and I'd always be wondering why.
See how selfish I am?
MV, It WAS autobiographical, back when you were still a wee tot.
I'm glad I didn't - otherwise, I would've never had the pleasure of harassing you from afar.
PG, we can rewrite the ending if you're available (and if Mike is willing).
TCDO, I know! I kind of miss him. And here I was feeling so OSSUM cuz I finally got me a batshit-crazy hater like Quinn had! LOL
C, I've had more than my fair share, perhaps, of happy endings.
E, thank you, especially since writing and drawing are two of the specific ways I feel connected to you, ever since sixth grade . . . I love you always.
PJ, I was 21 at the time, and feeling very desperate (but that was half a lifetime ago). Thanks for reading!
GW, I couldn't even come close to doing it. All I have to do is remember one or two people who would be really pissed off at me if I did, so I selfishly choose to stick around. Thanks, Friend!
Oh.....why didn't this come true? You should kill yourself....
anyway, to the fat bimbo TCDO...here's what I've to say
Get your fatt butt out of my biz. I have something against gays...what's your damn problem? So, please....mind your own business in that third world country of yours...oh, and please, you need to lose weight...shouldn't thirld world apes be famished or somethin?
Dearest Kevin,
I am soooo glad that my heart was filled my gay songs of joy and wonder when you came back. I am so happy that you have grown some balls since our last encounter in which you deleted both of your comments, in fear of my wrath. But now you're back and you grown some balls! I am so proud of you. Let me pat you on the back.
Oh Kev, luv, I am also so proud of you that you actually took the time to Wiki my country so that you actually know that it is in fact, a Third World Country. Contrary to your redneck beliefs, people here are well fed. Me on the other hand, I am more then well fed that’s why I’m fat (one "t" Kev, not two. Poor baby), because you see, I am of the rich families. Old money. Perhaps you heard of that term before?
By using that money I was and still is so greatly educated that I now can speak 5 languages. How many can you speak Kev? One? And I'm sure you're not that good at that either. Case in point: “fatt”. I traveled to all over the world (15 countries in total, have you been out of your own backyard Kev?) hence opening my mind so that I do not end up a closed minded homophobe bigot like you. I also keep my ass- fat by using the money from my inheritance to buy food. So fat I certainly am, but bimbo Kev? No, that honour goes to you. Seeing that you have difficulties to even spell…. “fat”. That’s such a simple word. A mentally retarded child of my Third World Country can get that right but you can’t. Cause you’re a bimbo. Come to terms with it.
My problem is you Kev. I don’t like it when people pick on other people. I find it incredibly loathsome when people pick on my friends. Such as what you’re doing to Peter. That just doesn’t sit right with my fat ass. Why is there so much hate Kev? Was it because you weren’t love enough as a child? Is it because you are gay yourself but too afraid of the repercussions? Was it because your mother didn’t hug you enough? Or is it because your dad touched your.....how did you put it....right....your “wee wee” when you were a child? No tell me Kev, I’m curious. There must be a reason for all this hatred and I want to know.
As a Double Major of Journalism and Human Psychology, I really am curious. Satisfy my intellectual needs Kev. And as an idealist (a fat one at that) I believe there is good in everyone. You have my pity and my concern for I believe that even close-minded, illiterate, delusional, homophobic, pathetic souls such as yourself can change. And remember that Peter and I are with you every step of the way....and that makes us better human beings then you.
hugs, kisses and all that jazz,
the Constantly Dramatic One
Ooooh...that third world fat ape spotted a typo...woohooo for the monkeys...shit skinned! Whether you've been to 15 countries or 150 countries, you are still a shit skinned fat third world ape.
And you Kev, still a waste of human being.
Your turn Kev.
...Damn it PV that's a crap ass ending.
"By using that money I was and still is so greatly educated"...ape...you can't even get that sentence correct and you can make a big deal abt my typo...poor ape...did your ape mom fuck a retarded cow or somethin'?Please stick to that ape language of yours, thank you =)
p/s:"As a Double Major of Journalism and Human Psychology"...man, I'm intimidated by the ape =D...I did not delete the comment out of fear of your ape wrath...I deleted it, coz I realize that as much as I hate gays, I hate apes more...Been busy...was looking for a good opportunity to get back at you.Ape.
Ape, lets review all the grammatical and spelling mistakes you made in that long winded comment you left...You boast about speaking in five languages and you can't even get your English in order...so here goes:
I am soooo glad that my heart was filled MY gay songs of joy and WONDER WHEN YOU CAME BACK
By using that money I was and still IS so greatly educated that I now can speak 5 languages
I traveled TO all over the world
So yeah...brush up on your ape language first and foremost before exploring other languages will ya?
Ape is speechless I guess...wow, for the first time! Idiot!
Am I the only one who feels sorry for Kevin? I mean, it must be horrible to be perpetually in a state of mind that triggers him to create drama in order to make himself feel better.
I hate giving him the last word, because he is just enough of a kindergartener that that would make him wee himself in joy, but my personal plan is to refuse to give him any more of my attention. Maybe he'll go smear his messy diapers somewhere else.
Dearest Kev,
Wow Kev, 3 comments? For meeeee?!! Really? Awww....you’re too sweet....paying me all this attention. I’m so flattered Kev. God, I’m blushing. Thank you so much for investing so much time in me, in someone that you hate. You see I would come back here and reply to your silly little tirades but you see Kev…instead of lurking around in the blogsphere and leaving hate comments like you, I much rather be out there, living my life. Spending time with loved ones, being happy.....that stuff. I don’t spend 20 mins (like you did, judging by that 2nd one....) figuring out people’s grammatical mistakes and then commenting on them...
Speaking of which...you’re right. Damn, my grammar is horrible. Oh the shame Kev. The shame!! But you Kev, you took the time to actually correct them. Are there no boundaries to your sweetness? 3 comments and such attentiveness? You make me all warm inside. You know I admit that my grammar is horrible....but yours Kev, yours is just spectacular. Listen, let’s put all this behind us. Can we be friends? I have this 10,000 word paper that I wrote for my Sociology class. The title is “Homophobic Racist People are a bunch of Fucktards. Discuss and support your claim with case studies.” Now that you mention how bad my grammar is, I’ve lost my confidence to hand it in. Is it okay if I email it to you so that you can correct my grammatical mistakes in that too? I will be ever so grateful Kev. Please do this as a sign of letting bygones be bygones. I know you won’t say no. You’re too sweet for that.
Also Kev....now that we’re friends...I really would really appreciate it if you would stop calling me “Ape”. It makes me feel less special cause that is such a generalize term....Can you please call me “Orang Utan” instead? That’s still a type of ape but it’s an ape that is a native of my Third World Country. For real! Orang Utans are our national animal and all. Orang Utans are really cute and clever and sweet. Like you. I love them! So you see you will still be calling me an ape, but in a more specific term now. Now that we’re friends, I want you to have your own special pet name for me. I will be your one and only Orang Utan. And you...you are my one and only Kevin McFucktard.
I think Kev…….this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship for us.
Hugs, kisses and all that jazz,
Your Orang Utan,
(hopefully future BFF too!),
The Contstantly Dramatic One
P/S: Don’t forget to pass me your email ya! I can’t wait for you to correct all my grammatical mistakes. Yay!
This is so sad, Peter! I'm so sad now.
I despise "the church." I've seen what destruction it's caused.
This is what drove people near and dear to me to get married and have kids. Well, one, that they, in turn, refused to love and nurture for her entire childhood.
So that they , basically, just ignored resented and belittled this female imposter, who was brought, unasked, into their collective sham of a family unit and in the end was treated like, a nothing. Like a useless, no-good, worthless not-even-male.
I, too, have a different perspective to what homophobia does to people. And I, too, can tell some stories about how all hate leads to despair.
Clearly, I'm talking about my parents. You see, homophobia has all sorts of unintentional victims.
Now my parents stayed holed up their house, and just come out of his closet for their church functions, which is ironic, given that the episcopal church in Vermont is gayer than a disney musical in dinner theater.
But, in the closet they remain. And rue to those who dare to ask them about any of this sad, long history.
And, did I mention, that they worship the ground my husband walks on? Sure. I was ignored my whole life, but when I got married they suddenly decided to give a shit. But, the reality is -- I'm still just the breeder.
And, naturally, I'm still not supposed to notice.
I hate what society did to repress and crush some of the finest humans on our planet. Pain and suffering only begets more of the same.
I can only hope the future will be different. I know this "breeder" is doing all she can to make a difference.
It's deeply important to me.
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