Sunday, November 23, 2008

Faux Paparazzi


Prince had asked that I go into more detail about what exactly the Faux Paparazzi gigs are all about. Since I am perpetually panting with lust for that man, I am more than willing to oblige.

Did you read that, Prince? I am more than willing.

Fun Friend Ben had been after me for months to join him and our other former coworkers from Disneyland on these weekend gigs.

"C'mon!" he had wheedled. "It's easy money, and you'll get to see everyone from the good old days (the 80's)."

"What is it we have to do?" I asked.

"We pose as fake members of the press while guests are entering a party, walking across the red carpet. We flash cameras in their faces and act like tabloid reporters, asking rude and pushy questions. In general, we just have to act like a bunch of crazed loons. It's a blast!"

Usually the parties are at Sony Studios, in Culver City (who knew?). I wasn't very good, my first time. I've never been what you would call 'skilled' with improvisation, so I wasn't surprised. But I got better, especially when I started acting like a tabloid photographer from Japan, with a horribly thick accent.

"Hi! Heh-roh! Peek-sha, pu-ree-zu. Onegaishimasu! You so fay-muss-oo een Juh-pan! Hai! Arigato!"

I stole my idea from Lorena, who holds a microphone and interviews approaching guests entirely in Spanish. She plays a Telemundo reporter.

I may not be very good at improv', but I can hold my own when renaming the party guests as they enter, for any celebrities they may even vaguely resemble.

"Look! There she is! It's Mindy Cohn! Is it true that you and the other cast members of 'The Facts of Life' don't get along?"

"Look! It's Rue McClanahan! Is it true that you and the other cast members of 'The Golden Girls' really don't get along?"

"It's Delta Burke! It's Delta Burke! Is it true that you and the other cast members of 'Designing Women' swap husbands?"

"Tina Yothers! Tina Yothers!"

Okay, so I can only reference sitcoms of the 80's off the top of my head, which is just fine since most of the guests are usually around my age or older.

For only about an hour's work, not including driving time, on a weekend night, it's been yet another supplemental resource for building up my trip-to-England fund. And a fun one, at that!

13 comments:

Prince Gomolvilas said...

This is awesome.

(Not the post.

The fact that you objectify me sexually.)

Quin Browne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Quin Browne said...

i wanna do this!!! i can be a reporter for the Bogue Chitto Bugle, 'cause it blows, too!!

Sunshine said...

Sooooooooooo, you Ching Changed yourself???? lol

And, as a gay man, isn't the Golden Girls reference like a TOTAL gimme???

You so funny.

golfwidow said...

Am I the only one who wants you to show up somewhere screaming my name, so people will wonder how you scooped them and try to find out who I am?

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

OMG. This is ssooo ossum! I want your job. No, seriously. Give it to me!

Cheryl said...

Telling people they look like '80s sitcom stars sounds like dangerous business. I mean, I would take it as a complement if someone called me a Golden Girl. I'm just not sure if other people who are not gay men would.

Kevin said...

Hello ape....you wanted my email? it's
shitskinned3rdworldapesgivemerabies@gofuckyourself.com =)

SleepingBeauty said...

OMG!! This sounds so awesome!!

It's not work if its fun and exciting! I hate you! lol! ;p

Lori said...

I didn't think it was possible but this blog makes me miss you even more than I already did.

thelastnoel said...

This is going to make a faaaab story. Let's start a writing assignment: what's your funniest job? I'd say be the Grapes character in the Fruit of the Looms group.

Quin Browne said...

i realised my post didn't make sense, but, maybe it did...not the job that sucks, of course, but...um...the..
one of the ....



wow, cashews!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Excuse me? It's Orang Utan ok? Get it right.

And really, is that the best you can do? Really?

You know I'm not gona say anything, I'm giving you another chance. Go on now....I know you can do so much better then that.