Friday, October 12, 2007

Great Balls of Blue Fire!

Everyone has a fart story. One of these days, I will get off of my procrastinatin' butt and go around asking for people's fart stories so that I can get it published as a compilation (one of my "better" get-rich-quick schemes, I'm sorry to say).

I used to think that lighting your passed gas on fire was just a myth, one of those urban legends or something. Chris G. proved that it was true, in the boys' dressing room of the theme park gig we were working, in Japan.

He offered to demonstrate for us, which in itself was funny to the other male dancers, so we were already laughing. He may have thought our laughter meant that we weren't taking him seriously. He changed into his spandex swimsuit briefs, "because, you know, you can accidentally burn skin and/or hair while setting your flatulence a-flame," as Chris had previously learned, the hard way.

Chris grabbed a book of matches from our bathroom and sat himself down on the floor, trying to balance himself in an awkward sitting position with his legs in the air, and with his hands free to strike a match. Our dressing room had no windows, so with the door shut and the lights turned out, it was pitch black. We waited in the dark, anticipating the assault to both ears and nostrils.

Unexpectedly, blue flames flared up in the pitch black, near the floor. The flames were freakin' blue. We all lost it, completely, tears streaming from our eyes and stomachs cramping up from laughing too hard. So, this is what was meant by "LMAO ROTF" (I had to have that explained to me, this year).

If you ever need an honest-to-goodness gut-wrenching laugh, especially to help cure the blues, get a willing friend to light her or his flatulence ablaze--bathing suit, optional.

Everyone has a fart story. What's your fart story?


Brenda said...

It was my 16th b-day, my BF and boyfriend were at the kitchen table with me. I had eaten a LOT of fruit that I leaned over to blow out the candles we all got much more wind then the air that came out of my breath! What was the best though was the mortified expression on my boyfriends face! I am on the floor laughing now 17 years later!

Peter Varvel said...

I tell that story to people all of the time! I was thinking about making it my next blog post, actually. I always tell people: Good thing you weren't facing the other direction, with the candles BEHIND you, LOL.

golfwidow said...

We were drinking.

(All stories of this ilk begin with those three words.)

My friend decided she wanted to try it.

She lay on her back, on the floor, drew her knees up to her chest, and stuck her outstretched arm, clutching her cigarette lighter, into the line of fire, as it were.

Blue combustion ensued, as predicted.

The fact that the flames might set her socks ablaze was completely unplanned for.

We doused her feet with Coke before she was burned, but it was pure luck, because we were laughing so hard we spilled a lot on the floor in the process.

Peter Varvel said...

Frightening! when you consider the opening three words--good thing you weren't trying to douse her socks with Jack Daniels, or sumthin'!

Quin said...

they were all drinking.

what? i'm pure.

anyway, they were all drinking, and billy r decided to light his and he had on jockey's and anyway, the gas was trapped...

let's just say he didn't have to worry about shaving or waxing to have smooth manparts.

Peter Varvel said...


golfwidow said...

This fart story trumps (or, possibly trumpets) all others.

Peter Varvel said...

That story is a nightmare come true! Who knew that 'surgical spirits' were something else to add to the list of things to worry about?