Friday, November 30, 2007
An Early Writing Sample (lengthy, too)
Thanks, once again, to Jason Phoon, for encouraging me to write about the idea of gay-vampires-for-Jesus!
Thanks to Noel Alumit, a terrific Intro to Fiction writing instructor, for another week of last-minute desperation, caused by the need to come up with something to turn in on time!
Thanks to You, my small, powerful, and oh-so-significant Reading Audience, you people who are exactly the type with whom my mother hoped I would never associate!
Enjoy your acknowledgments, here, because there may not be room enough when the novel is completed and then published!
GAY VAMPIRES FOR JESUS
There were no vampires. Of course there weren't. It was just his imagination going into overdrive, fueled by the guilt of having had sex again.
Jaden knew his pattern, by now. He could abstain for only so long, be celibate for about three or four months before he needed a fix. And it wasn't as if he deliberately went looking for trouble. With hardly any conscious effort on his part, opportunity, or trouble, or whatever the hell you wanted to call a convenient hook-up, always seemed to find him, three or four times a year. And as part of his consistent pattern, he swore, after each time, that it would be the last.
Addicted to dick, he would joke to himself. Time to quit cold turkey. Again.
Usually, the post-sex guilt alone was enough to convince him that he would be able to get through the rest of his life without ever having sex with a guy again. But this time there was also fear involved, fleeting but definite, and a little pain, as well.
His jeans still unbuttoned, Jaden pulled down the elastic waist band of his boxers and tried to examine his crotch by the light inside his car. His Geo Metro's overhead light wasn't strong enough. What he saw looked like traces of blood, dark and wet, but he couldn't be sure. Instead of blood, it might be ejaculate, either his own or Nicky's, gleaming in the wiry brunette patch below his navel.
What have I done, he thought. I knew I was getting in over my head, pushing my luck, once again. Dear God, please forgive me enough to let me still be alright.
He waited until he got back to Pasadena and into his apartment, where he could see more clearly in the privacy of the small but well-lit bathroom. It was after midnight on a week night, so his roommate would not be awake. Jaden shut the door anyway, as quietly as he could, before undoing his jeans, again.
There was no mistaking the blood this time, dried to a dark purply-brown, and hardening into two small dots on his lower pelvis, one on either side of the base of his penis. Jaden smeared the still-soft scabs, revealing the cherry-red brightness of residual blood underneath.
"Easy, easy!" Jaden had begged, between small gasps, when he felt the scrape of Nicky's teeth. Nicky was a biter, and Jaden couldn't completely relax and enjoy the blow job. "I'm not really into the S&M thing," he joked. It was a wonder he had been able to maintain a full erection.
"I'm sorry," Nicky had said, coming up for air. "It's just that you're so hot and I can't control myself."
Even as Jaden had felt himself getting closer to ejaculation, his thoughts had formed the usual lecture: This is so wrong. You shouldn't be doing this. This is exactly what God hates. You're doing and being the abomination. There are no actions without consequence. Punishment will surely be a direct result of this, punishment and pain.
Jaden's normal pattern of guilt and worrying had morphed into fear as Nicky applied more pressure with his teeth. What if this guy were to bite extra hard and chomp my dick off, right now, and just sever it completely? Feelings of fear were at risk of mounting into outright panic, even as Jaden's physical pleasure heightened. He tried to push Nicky's head away.
"I'm close! I'm going to come!"
Nicky had been breathing gustily through his nose. "Mmf, hmf" was his response as the grip of his mouth only tightened. Swallowing was one of the 'high risk behaviors' but apparently Nicky was okay with that.
Jaden had felt a brief, sharp pain at the base of his shaft, at the precise moment his body had convulsed with the first wave of ejaculation. Although he was fully aware of the pain, he was too distracted, at the time, by how differently his orgasm had felt, how much more intense it had been.
It was worth putting up with Nicky's biting, Jaden thought as he searched for the cotton balls under the bathroom sink. Wasn’t it? He couldn't remember ever having had such an amazing orgasm before. Fuck Nicky, anyway, literally or otherwise, he thought as he flinched from the sting of rubbing alcohol. Fuck his kinky ways, and fuck him for being so damn friendly at the River of Life meetings.
The weekly support group meetings were supposed to be a safe place for Christian men who 'struggled,' not another pick-up joint. Fortunately, Jaden didn't feel much temptation among the other members. Most of them were middle-aged or older. Quite a few of them were even married and had children. Every one seemed to have a sob story to tell. Still, he considered them friends, especially those who were in his small group.
Besides Jaden, Nicky had been the only other member under thirty who showed up every week. And every week, no matter what the weather, Nicky always walked into the underground classroom at Fuller Seminary wearing shorts. Jaden had to make a constant effort not to stare at Nicky's legs, which were furry with the same dirty blonde color that poked out of the top of his tee shirt. Nicky wasn't girly-prissy blond. He looked more viking-heritage blond, in Jaden's mind, at least, and Jaden liked that.
If he managed to sit right next to Nicky, it was easier for Jaden to be more subtle about looking at his legs. He could probably get away with looking as though his eyes were downcast in contemplative thought. Also, there was the added bonus of getting to hold hands with Nicky in the closing prayer circle.
After feeling a few squeezes and thumb strokes from his oddly cool hand, Jaden had been only too eager to "grab a bite" after tonight's meeting, as Nicky had proposed. They never made it into Denny's, just the back part of the restaurant's parking lot where Nicky had led the way in his old Mustang.
Jaden replaced the white plastic bottle and bag of cotton balls under the sink. He thought over what he and Nicky had done while messing around in his Metro's front seats. Except for the oral sex, they hadn't had what could technically be called sex. Just a lot of heavy petting and necking. Jaden laughed to himself, despite his underlying concerns, for thinking of such an old-fashioned phrase.
It was such adolescent pawing, at first, reaching under each other's shirts to feel bare torsos and chests. Jaden had been excited at the chance of running his fingers through the thick growth of hair that he knew was underneath. He was glad that Nicky liked to french kiss until he started nibbling a little too hard, alternating between Jaden's tongue and lips. He had even managed to bite the inside of Jaden's lower lip, somehow.
While searching through the medicine cabinet for some antibiotic ointment, Jaden thought about body fluids. Exchanging saliva was pretty low risk, he had read, but maybe not one hundred percent safe. But mixing blood and saliva? There was definite risk involved with that. And if Nicky was willing to swallow, how much risky behavior had he done with previous sex partners?
Almost unexpectedly, Jaden recalled Nicky’s eyes. Normally a bright sea-grey blue, Jaden had thought Nicky’s eyes looked as if they were glowing with a greenish-yellow color during the bliss of fellatio. In the heat of the moment, he had simply dismissed it as the parking lot’s urine-yellow lamplight being reflected in Nicky’s eyes. Now that he thought about it, he had also thought that Nicky’s eyes had looked cat-like or reptilian in the dim shadows of his car.
Ridiculous, Jaden told himself. That was just your imagination running wild, again. Plus, you really can’t see anything objectively when you’re face-to-face and that close to something.
Jaden thought again about the feeling of fear that had coursed through both his mind and body, earlier. And his spirit, too? The feeling had been brief but intense, much like the amazing orgasm had been. Had the orgasm really been worth it?
He dropped to his knees and elbows, on top of the frayed bath mat, and cradled the back of his head with both hands. Okay, this is it, I swear, he promised both God and himself. I need to really commit, this time, to choosing to never have any sexual relations with another man for the rest of my life, whether that means truly being celibate, or marrying a woman and learning how to have a healthy sex life with her. I can’t do this by myself, and I need to rely on God’s power to help me accomplish this. I need to take tonight’s scare as a genuine warning. If ever there was a red flag, this is it.
God help me, please, if it isn’t too late.
(All opinions welcome, P.V.)