Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My First Prostitute

I have never actually had sex with a prostitute. No, really. But it wasn't until right before my thirtieth birthday that I was approached by my very first prostitute.

I was in Japan at the time, right at the end of my first contract for the Ocean Dome theme park. Some of the American performers decided to go out for a last night of karaoke and drinking in the small town of Miyazaki, before our time together came to an end.

The streets weren't crowded that night, but there were quite a few locals out, as well. A middle-aged Japanese woman called out to me.

"Oi-deh, oi-deh, wakai-ko!"

Loosely translated, it means, "Over here, over here, little youth."

Really? You thought I was young? Thank you! On the brink of thirty, I was quite flattered.

She looked like she was in her forties. Why did her advanced age make me think of my mom? I didn't want to encourage her, but neither did I want to come off as rude. I deliberately answered in English, in as polite a tone as possible.

"No. No thank you," I said, smiling and shaking my head.

A few years before that, I had gotten some of the best advice from Johnny. Johnny was from Nassau, Bahamas. He was the boys' line captain in the show we did on the island of Guam.

"If you're ever approached by a prostitute," he said, "and you're not interested, just tell her, 'Baby, I just got done.' She'll leave you alone."

I think it's some of the best damned advice ever given to me, although I have never had the opportunity to apply it, even in Miyazaki. I didn't really know the Japanese for that.


the Constantly Dramatic One said...

"Baby, I just got done."

Duuuuude, I totally need to use that one of these days.

Mike Valentino said...

Baby, I just got done. . .

. . .taking a shit
. . .applying my itch cream
. . .killing a prostitute.
. . .with my income taxes
. . .planning my son's bar mitzvahs
. . .fucking your mom for free

Prince Gomolvilas said...

"You're pussy smells funny."

mr jp said...

Today, I learn something new ...

Kevin said...

Just say 'I'm a fag who sticks my dick in another fag's butthole and make shitty love thru our backsides all day long'...fag! PLEASE DIE!FUCK YOU FAG AND THE THIRD WORLD APE!!!

Peter Varvel said...

Hey, Kevin! I was worried . . . thanks for visiting again!
You have a secret crush on me, "eh?"
Why else would you keep visiting my blog and showering me with so much attention? M'WAH!

Kevin said...

I-WANT-YOU-DEAD!I keep coming back to check if you're still alive hoping that someone would do me a favour and kill your gay ass

Peter Varvel said...

Kevin is my hater
He's not a fornicator
He has no willing partner
So he's just a maturbator

Kevin is my hater
And I'm his instigator
To his homophobic rage
My blog just seems to cater

M'WAH! Kisses to Kevin!

Kevin said...

Haha....that's funny

Kevin said...

But coz you're a fag...i still hate you

Kevin said...

Here's something you can laugh about to =)

What does one fag say to another fag going on vacation?
Can I help you pack your shit?

How do you know when you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation kneels to pray!

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence.

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs taste like shit!

Four fags are sitting in a hot tub. They notice some sperm rising to the surface. One fag says, "Ok, who farted?"

How do you fit three gays on one barstool?
Turn it upside-down!

What do you call a ship full of fags?
The navy!

What's the difference between a refridgerator and a fag?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

What did one gay sperm say to the other?
How are we ever gonna find an egg in all this shit?

What do you call a mix between a Homo and a Dinosaur?
A Mega-sore-ass!

Why'd the fag get fired from the sperm bank?
They caught him drinking on the job

What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A sharp, stabbing pain in your rectum.

Lori said...

Wow,this Kevin guy must be really hot for you.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Hey Kev, straight couples have anal sex too you know?

Shocking, I know.


Movin' said...


thelastnoel said...

Just got done? you mean the guys I approached really weren't interested in me?