Wednesday, January 21, 2009
About twenty years ago, I came out to my parents and the world did not cave in. But I did start seeing a Christian therapist at Pacific Christian College shortly after that. During our discussions about the conflict of homosexuality and Christianity, he pointed out that I had 'perfectionist tendencies.'
What? Me? Hell no. I mean, no way!
I had dropped out of UCLA at the end of my freshman year. I was working at Disneyland and going to dance class at night. If I were truly a perfectionist, I would be able to stay in school and work and take dance class regularly.
I had thought.
The therapist used my messy bedroom as an example. I had told him that I can't truly clean my bedroom unless I have a block of at least seven hours to do it completely.
That example has stayed in my mind for the past two decades. It's helped me to realize that, for any overwhelming project, sometimes it is enough to just do a little bit each day. Not that my bedroom stayed consistently clean after that, not until I met neat-nik Domestic Partner, anyway. And not that he would agree, that I am clean enough.
What is enough? I still struggle today with feeling that I fall short of my own perfectionist ideals. If I were perfect, I would have both time and energy to exercise everyday. Ideally, I would blog every day and also write a little bit more of the first novel every day. In a perfect world, I would exercise and write on top of going to work for that paycheck thang and spend time with friends and family, and still feel that I was giving enough time and attention to Domestic Partner and the various pets and the house cleaning.
If I were truly perfect, I would be able to volunteer and join Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America, and be a reading tutor, and take on more choreography projects, etc.
In a perfect world, I would sleep fewer hours and get more accomplished.
My life is not complicated. I do not feel overwhelmed. Lately, though, it has been easier to just channel surf from the couch and consume even more vast quantities of chocolate. Oh, and log onto facebook several times a day.
I am beyond glad that President Obama has been inaugurated. Finally. And I am inspired by his election into office. What I need is yet another swift kick in the pants. But for now, I am relishing the feeling of renewed commitment President Obama has been giving the public.
I actually like feeling that I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work.
What is your personal perfection?