Saturday, December 8, 2007

Skinny as a Spice Girl


You know I'm gay-gay-GAAAY, because I obsess about my weight, constantly. I'm not a get-on-the-scale-five-times-a-day obsessive (in fact, I can't remember when exactly I weighed myself last), but I do think about trying to gain back more muscle tone and a smaller waist line, on a daily basis.

I just want the dress slacks that I bought last year, for my First Real Job Ever, to stop feeling so annoyingly snug. Less than a month ago, I finally quit cold turkey the five-days-a-week-snacking of granola bars and mixed cocktail nuts at my desk.

And it's not even about good health, for me, mostly. People used to say to me, "Oh, you're so good about going to the gym and working out all of the time!" No, I'm not.
I'm vain. I'm narcissistic. I just want to look good, or at least, better than you.

I don't just want to be trim, I want to be 1%-body-fat-sickly-thin. Not that I am in any danger of actually becoming that, but I find myself constantly admiring women with the impossible size-zero figures, like a couple of the women on "Friends," the 'B' and 'C' members of Destiny's Child, and of course, the Spice Girls, even before Mrs. Beckham morphed into a popsicle stick with two inflatables attached.

As comedienne Paula Poundstone once said, it may be that I'm half-bulimic--I do plenty of binging, I just forget to purge.

I want to emulate these unrealistically thin celebrity women, anti-feminist as that may be. Sure, I have a handful of age-appropriate male role models: Benjamin Bratt, Dermot Mulroney, and Johnny Depp (yum, yum, and YUM--check-check-check!). But more frequently, it is celebrity women's waist lines that I envy, such as Gwen-frickin'-Stefani--YOU JUST HAD A BABY, GAIN SOME WEIGHT ALREADY!

I swear: These women who have borne progeny and then bounced back with nary a stretch mark on their publicly-bared midriffs must have sold their souls to the Dark Side!

But I can't lay off the white powdery stuff--I must have sugar on a daily basis, preferably in chocolate or cookie form. No, not 'or,' I meant 'and.' There is no happiness without a Daily Fix. Without it, no point to life.

So, I'm swimming, now, three days a week, for a half hour at a time. It's a good time of the year for me to start, too. The six month period from October to April has become the Danger Zone for me in recent years. There is no safe haven in sight from trick-or-treat candy to Easter chocolate. In between, you've got Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine's day. Holiday chocolate is on clearance, non-stop, in the supermarkets, and at Target, and everywhere else that I shop!

It's a good thing that I don't drink at all, because I would only be compounding my holiday/winter padding with New Year's Eve toasts and St. Patrick's Day beer.

I will never voluntarily sell my soul to the Dark Side, so I suppose I will never become Posh Spice thin. But I can still touch my toes.

Good enough.

8 comments:

golfwidow said...

I like what Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman wrote about a character in Good Omens, that she believed she was anorexic because every time she looked in the mirror, she did, indeed, see a fat person.

By those standards, I'm anorexic too.

Quin said...

now i know who will be doing the swim stuff when we are chosen.

and the running stuff.

and the other stuff.

i'll be the one puffing a cigarette going, "where the hell is he?" getting the good camera time.

thelastnoel said...

I wanna get trim for the benefits. Sure, vanity is part of it, but I FEEL better. I have more energy and I sleep better. Diabetes runs in my family--it ain't pretty. Anything I can do prevent it, I will.

Peter Varvel said...

G, yeah, I always see the short & squat legacy of my genetics, in the reflection.

Q, you eat the weird stuff, and I'll attempt the physical stuff.

N, Amen to preventative measures for SOME of our family patterns!

Ray Abdul said...

I was reading this post and thought, Peter couldn't have written this! He looked pretty slim at GAPSN's Annual Dinner :)
Sorry that you missed my art show. If it makes you feel better, I know at least TWO other people who also went to the PDC...

Angelo said...

I want to shed some weight too, for the benefits. But how do you do that when you're in a country of rice-loving people. Rice in the morning, for lunch, and for dinner.

I think the "aversion towards carbs" in my DNA pattern got lost somewhere while I was being fertilized in my Mom's womb. Haha!

Any advice on how to switch to the "carbs are bad; more protein is good" thinking would be appreciated.

Peter Varvel said...

Ray,
"I owe you." I definitely want to experience your paintings in person--they look exquisite online!

Angelo,
Thanks for visiting! When our family went back to Japan for a bit, my dad said that Mom plumped up by going back to eating rice three times a day!
Rice is supposed to be fat free!
Who knew?

vocalist1987 said...

Thats mean. You should get a life.

Oh and by the way, jealousy is a sickness and so I hope you get well soon.