Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Peter's Embittered Rules for Grocery Shopping


1.) Keep your shopping cart and your big, fat ass to one side of each aisle. There will be other people and their carts coming from either end of the aisle, while you take ten more minutes to decide which flavored coffee you think you need for the upcoming week. Do not block any aisle with both your shopping cart and your big, fat ass.

2.) Imagine what it must be like to work on staff, at your local food market, and then kindly make the effort to push your shopping cart back to where it belongs, after loading your groceries into your car. Do not leave it in the parking lot, especially in an empty parking space. Besides, your fat ass could probably stand to burn the extra few calories.

3.) If you're going to use coupons, remember to check the expiration date of each one, and then double check to see if you are required to buy more than one of the same item in order to use the coupon.

4.) Please have coupons, club cards, and your-choice-of-payment-method out and ready to go once you have unloaded all of your groceries onto the checkout conveyor belt.

5.) If someone ahead of you is paying by check, be patient. Do not huff exaggerated sighs of impatience just because you pay with your lickety-split debit card and they don't. Remember: in a few short decades, the tables may turn, and while you are still paying with your old-fashioned debit card in your senior years, younger generations may look at you with disdain because you're not set up, yet, to just have your thumbprint scanned (or your Mark of the Beast!) in order to pay and go.

6.) If you feel the need to curse in public, or argue with someone, either in person or on your cell phone while shopping, shut the hell up! I, and the other shoppers, do not want to hear it!

7.) Be reasonable--see things my way.

Feel free to add your own rules/suggestions. People need to learn.


Prince Gomolvilas said...

8.) Actually yell "fat ass" to people who have a fat ass.

thelastnoel said...

9) Don't talk about how slow the check out line is going while the cashier can hear you. The cashier will only go slower.

golfwidow said...

Twenty assorted TV dinners are not "one item." They all have different prices. Get the hell out of the express lane.

Peter Varvel said...

Gawd, I fucking love you, all!

Quin said...

do not let your children run wild. i am not there to amuse your child while it runs about and finally hits my cart and starts to scream. my first thought is, "sell it to the gypsies...there are some on canal street"

in the uk, they let the check out ladies sit down... how wonderful is that? having worked as a check out person, i can assure you, it makes a world of difference...

Brenda said...

ladies, don't send your husbands to do the shopping - they walk around looking like a frightened deer in headlights, block the aisles and ask for help - I hate to see a man beg anywhere but in the bedroom:-